Change

Change is hard sometimes. Well, actually most times it is difficult. Adjusting takes time.

It was an easy adjustment for my daughter to go into 2nd grade this year. After she had her first day of school she decided to stay in second grade. However, since the beginning of school the change in the routine has been difficult. Certain things have to get done and we have a schedule. I am the ENFORCER.

She treats me like I'm a Natze now. I'm the evil communist leader who doesn't let her do anything. The food is horrible here in case you didn't know. There is more sarcasm from her everyday, more testing and passive aggressive defiance and I love her more all the time.  I am blessed. I so want a glass of red wine. But I don't.

One of the rules for the school afternoon is that there is one hour of t.v. after homework and it must be before 7 p.m. My daughter has on many occasions tested this one, but I have come out on top, but not feeling like a winner. The bedtime ritual is another thing that is enforced, yet is hard to impress upon my young one. I hope that someday she will thank her evil Mom. That's me; the meanest Mom in the world I have told her before.

Changes like getting up at the crack of 6 a.m., eating very early, homework, and the change in the air seem dramatic to me, but they are really small.

Recently I started feeling a good change happen. I started to feel more in control of my life. Despite the medications, I have finally started accepting myself with all of my idiosyncrasies. I know that I'm very anxious, don't sleep well, can't focus for too long on anything and have phobias. I have been working so hard on eliminating these things. How could that be possible? I have not been thrilled about being on mood stabilizers since I was 19. Now I accept that this is where I am. This is good. I hope I can keep this decent attitude for awhile.

I find  that the autumn-like weather is making feel more alive. I can feel creativity running through my veins, life energy.... the reaching out like new limbs on a branch from the Tree of Life. This season seems to be the romantic one where I can see past so much and feel grateful as I expand my mind. I am becoming grounded and I have purpose. Thank goodness.

On another end of the spectrum a friend of mine who has twins, a boy and a girl,  lost her husband recently. Her children are the same age as my girl and in the same grade in the same school. Small town. I know what this is like and I know that I have survived so far and so has my little girl.

I took many shaky steps on my own and many with help to make life move forward easier. It brings me comfort that I can be there for my friend and her children having been through it myself. I am sad that it happened to her . Sometimes I still ask why, but then I realize that there are many reasons, but the truth will always be swimming around like some evasive fish species that we will never be able to find. It's the coming together and what is done with that that is important now.

I can actually do something that I have wanted to do for a long time: HELP SOMEONE. It makes me feel good and not so good. The feelings come close to the surface when I talk with my friend about her new pain. It is good for me and it is good for her that we are together. It's bittersweet. I can be the one to guide her like no one did for me. I know I can make it a little bit easier for her and if that's all I can do, it makes me happy.

One change that is so hard when you become a widow and a single Mom at the same time is the way people treat you. People are usually pretty much respectful at first and bring over casseroles for a few days and toys for your child. Then it stops.
Some treat you with respect, others ignore or forget you, some avoid you, others call you a bad Mother, and it all hurts. Even "his side" of the family is apt to dessert you because you are a little bit "loopy" or "dysfunctional." You already feel so low and like you're falling through some kind of rabbit hole, but it's dark and strange and surreal and it hurts in every way imaginable and more. But, I know my friend and her children will survive. It's just going to be one of the hardest changes they'll ever go through together. If they can find love in one another and work together.... they will be strong.

So, change can be hard and bittersweet. I have been brought closer to my friend because of her tragic loss, but I can be there and have purpose in my life and hers. I already had purpose, but this is out of love like the love I have for my daughter. That is the best reason to have a purpose. LOVE.

With the weather getting cooler and more and more beautiful, I feel the energy shifting in a way that is like magic casting its direction on me. This autumn is going to be great. I see so many beautiful colors and changes already. Some change is just beautiful.