I thought I was doing really well. I had done my personal inventory and came up with things I didn't like about myself, but decided that the ugly could be replaced by goodness. I was feeling really good about this. It seemed like my anxiety was down and I was feeling pretty good about myself and life. My daughter had just finished In Home Therapy and we felt like a team.
Then a few weeks ago I hurt my back. It was lame. I was just doing my regular work out with the calisthenics, hand weights, stretches and cardio in my living room. Then BAM! I twisted something funny. It was all over the next day. I could barely bend over, twisting really hurt and when I walked or sat it felt like a a bunch of nerves running from my lower back and down my right leg decided to make jabs all the way down! FUCK! So it began that day with the lower back, then the nerves running down the leg. I tried doing some stretches to try to get the "kink" out, but that only seemed to aggravate things. Then at one point my whole right leg went numb. I was thinking that I really cannot have this happen.
Now I was starting to get pissed off at myself. I had already sprained my ankle in November of 2010, but had to wear a brace on that ankle whenever I had to exercise or exert any pressure on it because I was still being inflicted with pain. Had I broken it, it would probably have been healed by now. I was getting along with the brace and now this!!! I couldn't get comfortable and I didn't want to give up anything as I am a hermit and do not get out too much.
Later in the day it was like a bomb dropped in my brain and all of the neurons were firing at each other at once. There was a war going on in there and it felt horrible. I could feel it in the pit of my stomach. What the fuck was this about? Yeah, I was hurting, but why this? I was breathing heavily (not relaxed breathing), sweating a little bit, my chest felt tight, and I was feeling like there was no way out! I was having a panic attack!!! It had been so long, but it was happening! Why should I be having one of these again? Hadn't I had enough? Apparently not!
About a half hour after feeling like I was going to die if I couldn't get out of my brain or my skin or something, I was finally able to drink a glass of water and breathe more relaxed. Okay, so I had had a panic attack. This was actually quite difficult to fathom seeing that my last one was over a year ago. I didn't think I was panicky and I had such a positive attitude. I was even trying to figure out ways to exercise and get around this pain in my back. Maybe this was all saying something to me. It must be a mind-body thing. SLOW DOWN!
Then I realized that my daughter had been talking more about Daddy. Oh crap... it was an "anniversary period." Every year for the past four, my daughter has had severe behavioral issues right around or on my birthday. Oh FUCK IS MORE LIKE IT!!! Now I was getting the picture. It was not only her little anniversary period, it was also mine. I was expecting shit to hit the fan and I hadn't even realized it. My shoulders were already tight and I had a knot in my neck. This was what it was all about.
The "anniversary period" has something to do with the realization my daughter had in 2008 that her Daddy was really dead and magic couldn't bring him back. She was four years old. There's usually the other period of time that occurs in early November... it's like a build-up of sorts. There are all of these signs that I am starting to recognize. It's the attitude, the body language, the "I miss Daddy" talk, and the "If Daddy was around I would have more fun," and the "You're lazy and you're mean" crap I get. Then it gets to the point where there's just plain old disrespect then the violence toward myself. She kind of loses herself and becomes this other person and I can see it in that devilish smile. I can see it in those eyes that have somehow mysteriously darkened. My daughter is no longer there and there is no reasoning with this now 4 or 5 year old demon. She is going to try to hurt me or worse. My daughter is actually going to be 8 in April.
So there's all of this going on. My, oh my! I'm sick of therapy, In Home Therapy, Mentors and all of this stuff. We just finished with IHT at the end of December. The holidays seem to bring that anniversary show on. I thought that maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Well, it's probably not as bad as the years prior; after all, she's not trying to kill me anymore and she talks more about what's going on with her feelings.
Well, I started to notice even more that I was feeling like I was not only walking on eggshells around my girl, but it seemed more like they were hot coals and I was doing this very strange dance all around her. This is a very awkward dance and it's to try not to upset the little princess. But, that means that I'm letting her rule the roost. I decided that I couldn't do that. No more. But this didn't happen until after a med change and the last violent outburst. Talk about insanity! Yes, the Dept. of Mental Health has had a few calls from me in the past.... usually the same kind of calls.
My shrink upped one of my antidepressants and said that it should help with the anxiety. I decided to up my trazadone to 100 mg. so I would not wake up all through the night like I had been on the 75, but I really didn't want to go from 1 1/2 mg. of clonazepam to 2 mg. right away. The less medication the better. At that appointment I was asking about ECT again. ECT is Electro Convulsive Treatment. It's mini seizures that are induced by electricity to the brain. It's supposed to help severe depression. I was hoping that maybe it could wipe away a lot of anxiety too. I'm sick of living like this. I hate have this big shadow of angst over me every single day of my life. Even when I'm happy it's there. What's wrong with losing some of my memory? So what if I get a little bit fried. Sounds funny in a way.
I asked my shrink if that would help the anxiety and he told me that it wouldn't at all. He said it would help to decrease the depression. Yay. I was not thrilled in the least with this response. I wanted an easy way out. I have lived with Generalized Anxiety Disorder since I was a child. Then came PTSD, Depression, and Panic Disorder! I have worked with countless therapists, done my homework, and have tried many trials of medication. It only seemed fair that there might be a quick fix. But, this is life. We must work very, very, very, very hard to get past challenges.
I can't write any further. I will write more when I'm not feeling the need for a small glass of vino and some dark chocolates. Blah! There's just so much more. If you're curious you can even ask...
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