The Explosion

Hyperarousal.... no not aroused sexually, I wish! Everything is overstimulating, stressful, awkward, nerve wracking! I took my meds this morning, but the anniversary of my husband's death is coming up. I can't believe it will be three years. Why do I still have to have feelings? Well, about this. I want it to be over.

It's been three years. Why can't the haunting in my dreams go away? Isn't the brain working things out when we sleep so we can be sane when we are awake? Too many questions and not enough answers. I had better make sure my med box is full.

I have been feelings so low, critical of myself, undeserving, loathing, exhausted, angry, sad, happy, enraged, impatient, and ready to explode. I want to smash things apart. I would love to take all of the glasses in the house and just smash each and every one into the sharpest shards and then take the shards and cut things up with precision. Things that I love would be gone, like my husband. I don't want to hurt anything. At least I wouldn't be hurting myself or anyone else. This is so intense and so hard to bare.

My shrink tells me that I'm too hard on myself and carry undeserved guilt. I don't know about that. I feel like I must compensate for my husband not being here. I must have conditioned myself to do that. I have learned to do just about everything I need to do to get along without anyone else. I can provide for my daughter with our benefits, I can pay the bills, clean the house, keep up the yard, and be a decent mom. I am working on getting an under the table paying job. Am I doing the best I can though?

FUCK! The twisted brain I have asks too many questions. I like playing heavy metal really loud, drawing with Anna, hiking, biking, nature, etc. and I have a warped and sometimes sick sense of humor. My only social contacts besides family are mostly lived out through facebook. I am somewhat hermitized as I only go out if I have to and feel braver when I have my daughter with me. WTF?

Last night I seriously thought I was going to explode gelatinous me all over the kitchen at a few points because my blood seemed to be beyond the boiling point! It was like I was the egg left in the pot of boiling water or the Gremlin in the microwave that's ready to pop! Damn, that would be messy.

It's just a hard week emotionally. Why wouldn't it be? I hate dates sometimes. Even holidays aren't as fun as they used to be. They trigger all kinds of despair, worry and memories (some good). Meditate, yeah right! Maybe I need a nap. I cannot tell you how guilty I felt taking an hour long nap yesterday! I tried to make up for it by staying busy for the rest of the day and into the night.

Oh, and what a night! My daughter had tantrums, I had difficulty keeping my cool, hence the wine and me nearly becoming all over the walls. Finally, after many time outs and one big, long mother to daughter talk about how we were feeling, we were able to say to one another "I love you." Then it was bedtime. She is so beautiful. I really have to remember to get down to that seven year old mentality. She is the one I love the mostest in the whole Universe.

I hope I behave myself better today. I guess I'll be a shut-in as usual. I'll do the usual chores that must be done, feel what I feel, and later I shall pick up my lovely girl at camp. Oh, energy please come back! I want to take a walk with my sweetie. Over the hills and through the woods.... maybe we'll spot an owl again!

Don't worry, my daughter has a therapist and someone to play with for respite and plenty of support. She is doing really well. She doesn't try to kill me anymore like in the beginning after her Daddy's death. Sometimes she lashes out physically, but there has been a dramatic decline in those behaviors. She's what the therapist calls "passively defiant." She is awesome though. What a talented and sweet girl I have. She is my blessing. I pray that I don't fuck her up. I pray also that she has a long and happy, well adjusted life.

Note to self: do not forget to take half dose of clonazepam within the next hour. Also, recheck ECG. Meds suck. No lock down facilities this year.