It's almost 10 p.m. My brain feels like there's a small vice lightly holding it in my head. My eyes are droopy and I'm having difficulty seeing the letters here. I have been doing my homework after a long day of chores, fears, errands, and being the only adult. I am trying so hard to be the best Mommy I can be. Is it enough?
Oh yes, my homework. Yes, I took my meds, but I've been reviewing government. I need to refamiliarize myself with the state and local branches of government as well as many committees. I have many research papers and books to read, as well as other assignments. I have homework because I decided to add some substance to my life.
I don't like studying government. I truly dislike politics. They majorly piss me off. I don't like to be around angry people who are talking politics. It's all dirty. Messy. I would rather do without. I have to be clean. I must clean up my mouth, keep breathing very deeply, take my clonazepam as needed, and try not to put my head up my arse. Good luck to me. Me and my damned temper too. I have to breathe.
I have a passion and I'm not going to sit on my ass and let it go. I'm going to make my passion into a reality. I'm doing it by researching and getting in touch with the right people. It's going to be difficult to juggle single momhood, work and this new adventure, but I'm excited. It's time to save the eastern coyote from slaughter. I'm starting with my state. But first I must start in my town. Luckily I have some key players. Some of this is either luck or the great above and some of it is my own persistence.
My head might not be screwed on right and sometimes I want to take a swing at some obnoxious turd at the grocery store. There are other times I get triggered (will explain more later) and feel like running away or just clawing away at someone or something or screaming bloody whatevers, but that needs to be worked out. I cannot lose it. Actually, I've done pretty well besides that incident last year. Was it last year? I think it was. I hate P.T.S.D. I get angry when I'm scared. When I get angry I feel adrenaline and nervous energy. Not good combos. Now let me say to you that I am not by nature a violent person. This is something that happened to me. I am gentle and kind. I am paranoid and insecure. I can't tell you if I'm a good person or not. I think I am, but I'm really not sure. I live in a semi-surreal state of mind. It protects me.
The best way I'm handling my unbalanced brain chemistry is by accepting it, exercising like crazy, writing about it, and praying. It's all out there in the Universe now. I have been reaching out. I'm going to prove to myself that I can make positive change happen even though I'm scared to death to go outside of my home on a most days. I also don't like being in public buildings and I feel edgy. But, I can do this.... I have to.
This is the opportunity and doors are opening. The Universe must be calling to me. Maybe my brain is not as unbalanced as I believe it is. I don't know. All of the medications do something to alter things. I don't feel like doing talk therapy anymore. I have to get past my husband's suicide. I have to do this and be strong so my daughter can follow my lead. On August 21st of this year, the 3 year anniversary of my husband's death, I will turn over yet another stone and write out another list of goals.
This year I think one of my goals is to NOT have a mental breakdown. It's never really good to have a breakdown and it's not very healthy for the wallet. And talk about being worried about your child! Well, I guess this story will continue another time. I need to get some Zzzzz's. First I need to take the Trazodone, then the Topamax for the headaches. Yes, the drugs will knock me out.
Oh yes, I am also tracking the beautiful and mystical coyote again in the fall. Yes, again. I have to work on my yips and howls. I feel like the picture of that eastern coyote sometimes. Ever feel that way? Just look beautiful but also really fucking pissed off? Just kidding around ~ sort of.
Good night world.
No comments:
Post a Comment