Unbalanced and Lovely All At Once

My world is unbalanced and lovely all at the same time.

I am a single mom and a widow with a host of mental blocks.

I became a single mom when I had my daughter even though I had a husband. He was in Iraq during war time. Even when he returned and seemed okay for a short time, he wasn't and he quickly dismissed me and our new baby girl. He had Post traumatic stress disorder. This is a psychological disorder that can be acquired by people in combat zones, or anyone in a situation where they have a perceived threat of death or something traumatic has happened to them. It is an experience that alters their brain in such a way that they are different. My husband came back from the war that way in 2003.

I had already been diagnosed with P.T.S.D. in 1992 for sexual assault and rape. I had other diagnoses like depression and social phobias as well as agoraphobia. They have all been ongoing and manageable throughout the years. Yet, at times, they do become very dificult to manage. I do take some medications to help with the anxiety and depression. I do force myself to do things like go out into public and take my daughter to social functions. I even try to participate in local community functions to better educate myself. It is difficult. There are triggers that can bring on symptoms very easily.

At any rate, after a very difficult marraige and no lack of hard work, my husband committed suicide on August 21st, 2007, leaving me a widow, but even worse, leaving our daughter fatherless. This has been very traumatic for her and we are continuing to work through our loss. I feel much worse for my daughter's loss than mine. I still have a father. The one saving grace for her has been her age. She still feels a stigma because she feels like she is the only one without a father. Soon, she will find out that is not true. One of my friends just lost her husband. Her children are the same age as my daughter and they go to the same school. I would never wish this on anyone knowing what hell we have been coming out of. At least we may be able to help them a little bit due to our experiences.

So, there you have it.... the short version on the last few years of my life. I'm still somewhat agoraphobic. I have triggers that make me feel irrational fear and my adrenaline gets pumping and I need to feel safe. I carry mace, have tools for defense in my trunk in case I'm at the grocery store and someone comes up behind me. I carry concealed weapons in my car. When I'm out in the woods I carry mace, a cell phone and a weapon, whether it's a very heavy maglite or something else. I need to feel that I'm safe and I need to protect my daughter. We've lost so much.

My husband was the third suicide I have been through. It is ugly and surreal to this date.

Self-preservation is something that must remain with me.

Life is also lovely. I love watching my daughter grow up. She is wonderful. I love being a guide as she grows and learning from her. I enjoy being 7 again sometimes. It's important for me to be able to communicate at her level, but also to remain the parent. We get along very well and both share a great love for family, friends, pets, wildlife, hiking, saltwater swimming, the arts, music and so much more! I love my daughter more every day that she exists.

There is so much beauty that captivates me every day. It can be a single bird, the way a blade of grass curls next to a peice of nutgrass, the single rose that is blooming in the front yard, the sighting of an osprey, Patch the squirrel who frequents our yard, the flock of crows who visits our yard and chases the fox away, or the beautiful and controversial eastern coyote that lives in our neighborhood. It's the times we go to the bay and meet with friends and swim in the warm waters and slap at green head flies, the conversations about our children and watching them create drip castles adorned with shells, seaweed and feathers.

There is beauty everywhere. All I have to do is breathe and open my eyes and it reveals itself.

I'm a wildlife conservationist. I have goals and I have causes that I'm invested in. I have to do this! This is how doors are opened. This is how we save ourselves by saving others and they do not need to be human.
We must save earth and its inhabitants. This has to be universally understood. The message is being delivered.

Am I scattered? What was I going to do next?

Have you ever felt so good you wanted to leap and bound and become one with the Universe? I have. Today is one of those days.